We’ve all been there: You meet someone in which the chemistry is so on point that you simply can not seem to resist engaging in the tangled web that’s friends with benefits. You realize s/he’s wrong for you and you both know that a relationship is not going to become your happy ending. Actually, you might kill one another before that occurs. Still, you cannot help texting them after a couple of glasses of wine at nighttime every weekend – and you certainly weren’t able to stop yourself from responding to their night time booty calls.
There have been many times within my life where my friends with benefits actually helped me through some serious droughts and dark times. When I had been desperately, and I really mean desperately, looking for a job and located myself around the outs with my gal pals, the only real messages that found my phone were from potential employers giving me the “Sorry, you aren’t a good fit only at that time” blues. This year, the only real texts I anticipated were from my trusty fuck buddy, who sent enticing compliments and even thoughtful “How was your interview?” check-ins. Obviously, the actual thrill was the racy sexting that occurred throughout my job hunt.
To be fair, he wasn’t always my fuck buddy. We’d dated and learned that the one thing that turned us crazier than two people who just ate bath salts for the first time was really being in rapport together. Still, the friendship became solid and the sex was absolutely addicting. Actually, the above factors made it very easy to trick myself into thinking we were inside a real relationship.
Here’s what I learn about myself: After i am down on my luck, i.e unemployed or suffering from a bad breakup, I’m totally delusional. This is exactly why using a stand-by friends with benefits had always worked out for me. Actually, having a consistent, no-strings-attached partner for sex has saved me from making some hideous commitments using the Mr. Wrongs I would meet during that time.
So, it was surprising in my experience that my last friend with benefits appeared to last soooo long and become filled with ups and downs. In the past, we would go to shows or meet up in a bar and catch up and just what better way to end an excellent evening having a friend than making love with them? After a few years of sleeping with my ex, I’d convinced myself that I was really happier using a fuck buddy arrangement than being in rapport. I usually see solace in casual relationships, I enjoy not disappointing people or getting them disappoint me,?annnnnnnd I did not acknowledge that I was secretly hoping that, eventually, we would maintain this arrangement for the rest of our lives. I mean, that’s the dream for anybody who really loves being alone isn’t it? We have seen one another once a week, we laugh, we talk, we fuck therefore we go about our lives. Forever.
Yeah so, works out that could have been what I wanted and THOUGHT he wanted, but then the inevitable happened. They got a girlfriend and that he lied about this. Here’s what I LOVE about the casual arrangement of friends with benefits: There is NO reason to lie. The amount of hurt it brought to me was unexpected, because I thought I had everything under control. The truth is, for me, after five years, an informal fling is no longer casual: You’re in a relationship regardless of how noncommittal it might appear. I learned that the hard way.
Still, the experience didn’t completely turn me removed from casual flings. It simply helped me look closer at the signs when ever it’s time to move ahead and preserve a friendship – if there is one to start with.
1. The Sex is simply too Good: Personally, really good sex with somebody that is supposed to be just a friend is very dangerous territory for me. I certainly don’t think that all women fall in love after an orgasm despite the fact that there’s some shady evidence on the web that alludes to that particular. For me personally, I understand that actually good sex is really so addicting that I begin to imagine our chemistry away from bedroom. There was a guy within my past I personally needed to cut myself removed from – his number needed to be deleted and then any evidence of him existing within my life at some point must be erased for my own emotional sanity. If you have been within this place before, be cautious in case your new friend with benefits starts to drift to your daydreams.
2. They Can Reach You, However, you Can Never Reach Them: This is something I’ve been through and nearly every friend I’ve has been around an identical situation: When you are in the mood for many drinks and sex as well as your texts or telephone calls go completely unreturned until your “friend” decides that s/he requires a quick romp. In my experience, the only method you’ll have a successful casual arrangement is if the ability is equal. Chances are, if you are always the main one reaching out for warm sex, you’re starting to feel just a little resentful and annoyed – yet you can’t stop hitting him up. This can be a perfect example of when it is time to move on and find yourself a new shorty that can a minimum of text back “raincheck” or other response that does not cause you to feel like you’re always doing the chasing.
3. They Have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend: When my casual fling got inside a serious relationship I had been devastated. I didn’t wish to get a new fling and wasn’t ready to invest in the demands of the relationship, and honestly, I had perused the area and really wasn’t interested in that which was available on the market in those days even for an informal affair. Although I couldn’t imagine feeling that much cla of comfort with another man at the time, what was much more unimaginable was continuing to rest with him while he had dedicated to another woman. Being a target of the cheating game myself, I had a significant reservations about to be the other woman. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t heavily consider it, however in the finish my pride won: I’m anybody’s side dish.
4. They Don’t Let You Stay the night time: Certainly one of my friends – who I consider one of the most beautiful and talented artists I understand – once phoned me at 2 a.m. searching for a place to crash instead of using the long trip the place to find New Jersey. Of course, since i have never wish to trek to Jersey within the day let alone at two each morning, I welcomed her visit. When she arrived, she told me her new booty call didn’t want her to remain the night because she didn’t want any attachment. I’m about establishing boundaries – actually, I’ve chosen to take a brief cab ride home to prevent the morning walk of shame, my afro all types of knotted from sleeping on someone’s cheap cotton sheets – but I always understand the offer to stay over. Honestly, there is just something slightly sleazy about asking your sex partner to leave soon after you’ve exchanged fluids and kisses. Fuck buddies still deserve respect, dammit.
5. You’re on the Different Page (That they like You Too Much or The other way around): In my early twenties, I began sleeping with one of my friends that clearly had strong feelings for me personally. In the chronilogical age of 22, I thought it was sweet and that i desperately wanted someone to love me – I just didn’t want that individual to become him. So after we had our fun, I would sometimes yawn and proceed to the couch to possess a pleasant sleep alone, leaving him checking ceiling, wondering what he had done wrong. To put it frankly, I had been an enormous C U Next Tuesday. Eventually, that which was once a strong friendship morphed into deep-seated resentment towards each other. I definitely learned my lesson hard way, but that experience has provided me the foresight to not get casually associated with someone if one people is feeling more serious than the other.
6. The Trust Has Been Broken: Here’s the one thing about casual relationships: They’re said to be EASY. There should be no tears, no shouting, and certainly no mistrust because the expectations are evident. For me, my expectations are:
- Protection is definitely used.
- We always enjoy ourselves.
- We tell each other if we start getting serious with another person.
- We never, ever sleep with each other’s friends.
These are, obviously, my personal expectations with any friend which has extra benefits and i believe they are pretty low. Set your boundaries or expectations immediately and make sure that you’re both confident with them, because once that small degree of trust required to have a casual fling is broken? Odds are your friendship is going to be too.
7. They create You Feel Terrible About Yourself: Real talk: For those who have applied for a casual affair with no commitment you need to get some degree of satisfaction from it. Regardless if you are seeking to fill the sexual void in your life or you are merely looking to explore certain sexual interests with someone you trust, it shouldn’t bring shame or any feelings of self-loathing. An informal fling is not for everyone there will come a period where you suddenly don’t feel happy about the situation anymore. My advice, without a degree in any form of psychology, is get free from this arrangement fast. If situations are going on sexually that you are not confident with, say something and when still it doesn’t change? Peace the eff out because no matter who you are, you don’t should feel disrespected or shame in the morning.